A New View!
A couple of weeks ago, I COMPLETELY opened up to someone from a purity conference I went to. I told her about alot. Things with with my dad and etc. And honestly I barely know her, but I did it. Something I never have really done before, and a few days after I did that, I realized that that is something I have not been doing with God, I’ve only let him come in, in certain parts of my life. I opened my life up to God, Through crying screaming into my pillow, more crying, the million and one questions, everything. I took it all to Him. The more I have been finding myself doing that, I have also found that He is not afraid of all my questions of the crying or screaming, none of it. That he is here with me, he has gone and is going through this right beside me. That no matter what I could do, nothing will ever separate the love that He has. Just knowing that has been one of the best things for me these past almost 3 weeks now. No don’t get me wrong, I may not feel it all the time but, just knowing it and believing it makes its all the better.
Sorry please bare with me, I’m trying to make this all make sense and well I’m not sure if its working to well ha ha. Something I really really have been thinking about is this..
The clearest message I have been getting through everything I have been going through is about my Relationship with Christ. One of my favorite quotes is ” Its not about religion but about Relationship” and well I have been seeing that my walk with Christ has not been with our Relationship. I’ve been so focused on Religion! I’m trying to explain this best I can so if it makes no sense at all I totally understand. But I have been in church for the past 4 years, and all I have been focused on is How I have to try to be perfect, that I can’t mess up and when I do mess up, Hide it, because if people found out, who knows what would happen. I don’t know why it was like that but as soon as I decided to give my life over to God for some reason it was like Perfection = Christian… ( I know different now). Almost like in order to be a “Good” Christian, you had to be perfect. I thought and lived by that for so long.
God has been showing me that even when I mess up He still loves me just as the same. That nothing as I said before can take away His unending love for me. That I don’t have to be perfect, or even try to be perfect, being perfect is boring. Now I’m finding out what It really means to be a Christian. To Live my life for HIM and for HIM only. That if I do mess up, His grace and mercy is there to catch me when I fall. .To be a Christian is about doing your best to follow God,to do what he called you to do, To love God, To love People, and to love life ( something my youth pastor has been talking about alot lately)
As for the Love God, Love People, Love life thing…. I love God. He is my Father, My provider, my Maker, my life, and despite what I have done, Nothing will ever change that. Its just amazing to even see that. As for the Love People thing, umm well I’m working on that. I know there is some people in my life that I could Love more and Love them the way Christ has called me to do it, but I have not been that way with them. I know what Loving on People means in the bible, give to the need and so on .. but it also means forgiveness to me, if you cant forgive someone, your holding something against them, and your not loving the way Christ has Called to love.
As for Loving Life, this is the first time I have ever said this, but I love my life. I don’t like some of the choices I have made, some of the things I have to deal with but I still have to say I love my life. God has been showing who he is and what he can do in so many ways lately.. wierd ways too.. but thats whole other story. But My life Is being lived for Him. No more looking to other people to what to do but to Him.
What is any better but to know that a God, that you have turned from so much, and have ran from so much, still wants you and is doing everything in His power to pull me back to Him. So instead of constantly running, and trying to be “perfect”, I’m going to just sit still and Let God be God. Let him work through this time in my life, because its probably the most difficult time that I’ve faced ever!
I’m only living today because God really Grabbed hold of me, I wish I could say it was the opposite but its not.I
I’m learning ALOT.I have a Huge trust issue, with people and that even went to my relationship with God.. Well now I am proud to say this for the first time in my life and being 100% true with it … I am trusting God with my Life. I know what I am suppose to do, I know what he has called me to do, and its been confirmed ALOT. God is in control. Its all his deal anyway. I’m Not gonna let the enemy win over my life again.The doubts, the ” I dont think I can do this” everything. But I know that I am fully… FULLY!!! equipped by the word of God to do it.
But to really say now.. He is my Rock and my redeemer. No matter how hard things Get, even in the tough times, I have to put my Focus on the truth, Not on the “feeling” of God, but the truth, Cause in the end, the truth is whats gonna set me free. atleast thats what I’m told, and I’m just believing that.
Tab
